under the weather

i woke up feeling so low. i just feel something's missing.or someone perhaps.i just dont feel good about the set-up.i know something's wrong, well, it's been like that for quite some time now. not that i wont accept it, in fact i do, but i just let things be, being a complete coward. i cant even have the guts to tell him how i really feel (partly because of pride, and i may say something that would really hurt, even for his happy go lucky disposotion). aaaargh im at a lost for words. basta i feel really gloomy.

1) Starting time: 2:01 PM (EST), aug 10,2007
2) Your Name: Maria.Gracia M Panganiban
3) What are your nicknames: grace, gracie
4) School: St. Paul College Pque; UPLB
5) E-mail: grace_ganda@yahoo.com
6) Eyes: dark brown
7) Hair: black
8) Pets: dog sana pero wala
9) Siblings: a brother

~~**HAVE YOU EVER**~
10) Been so drunk you blacked out: lasing lagi pro i still know what im doing
11) Taken any illegal substances: never!
12) Gone out in public in your pajamas: yep.
13) Missed school b/c it was raining: oo naman.sarap tulog e hehehe
14) Set any body part on fire for amusement: again never
15) Ever kept a secret from someone: oo naman
16) Who knows your deepest secrets: many people, im a very open person
17) Wanted to hook up with a friend: Yeah. Never worked.
18) Cried during a movie: lage no, sa wowowee lang e maiiyak nako
19) Had a crush on a teacher: yup my prof in physics pero slight lang.
20) Ever thought an animated character was hot: yuck.
21) Ever at anytime owned New Kids on the Block stuff: No.
22) Planned your week based on the TV Guide: once lang!
23) Prank called someone: yeah, nonoy's idea. napagalitan ako ng mama ko kasi baka daw atakihin sa puso makasagot pag nalamang nanalo sila sa Lunch Date!

~~**FAVORITES**~~
25) Shampoo: right now im using VO5 pero no favorites
26) Soap: palmolive na may milk
27) Color: blue, pero im partial to black now kasi lumalaki nako
28) Day/Night: Night
29) Summer/Winter: summer of course
30) Online smile: Oh ayan! :-)
31) Lace or satin: lace...ask ash!
32) Cartoons/Anime: di masyado mahilig dun
33) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: nakakain ba un?
34) Like anyone: oo naman
35) Who have you known the longest of your friends: alice since 1st year HS; abby, tricia, rizza inna vanj, cecile (HS), noy, row,jin,pogi College na 15 years na din
36) Who is the shyest: None! hahaha
37) Who do you go to for advice: row, sining, jeff
38) Who do you get the most surveys from: eto kay jeff
39) Who do you cry with: row and the chefars;
~~**IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS HAVE YOU**~~
40) Cried: almost.
41) Cut your hair: been almost a year
42) Exercised: ano yun?
43) Worn a skirt: lage
44) Been mean: ako pa???most of the time
45) Been sarcastic: minsan...hmmm
46) Met someone new: la pa
47) Talked to someone you have a crush on:naaah
48) Missed someone: hmmm yeah
49) Hugged someone: matagal ng wala
50) Fought with your parents: minsan kulit kasi e
51) Wished upon a star:a long time ago.
52) Laughed until you cried: oo naman.d other night lang, we were talking about our TL
53) Played Truth or Dare: nope
54) Watched a sunrise/sunset: nope.
55) Went to the beach at night:nope.
56) Spent quality time alone: yah sure. on my way home ive got ample time for that
57) Read a book for fun: yeah always
58) Ate a great meal: Always!
59) Are you lonely: silly but yeah iam.
60) Are you happy:contented
61) Are you talking to someone online: yup :)!

~~**DO YOU BELIEVE IN~~**
62) God/Devil: yah..
64) The Closet Monster: closet queens oo!!
65) The Big Bang Theory: havent pondered on that
66) Heaven/Underworld: sometimes.
67) Superstitions: Yup.
68) What's a name you'd rather be called: Anya,George.
69) Who named you: my lolo.
70) Backstreet Boys or NSync: hmmmm wala
71) When was the last time you showered: kagabi
72) What color pants do you have on right now:black pajama not jeans
73) What song are you listening to right now: wala
74) What was the last thing you said:paextend (im in a cafe)
75) What is right next to you: A PC
76) What is your computer desk made of: Wood with the partitions and all.
77) What is your phone number (optional): secret.
78) What was the last thing you ate: sinigang sa misa--tuna belly
79) Where do you want to go on your honeymoon: kahit sa CR pwede na yun o sa lababo
80) Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with: next question
81) How many buddies do you have on your PM list: i dunno
82) How's the weather right now: just about right.
83) Have you ever smoked pot: nope.
84) What did you do last night: sleep
85) What is the best thing you find about the opposite sex: thay make me feel special
86) How are you today: not good
87) How do you eat an Oreo: i dont like sweets
88) Who makes you happy: you know who
89) Fav cds: ala
90) Fav dream: the one where one of my ex crushes invited me to galera, i dunno why i felt so good after.
91) Have you ever won any special awards: yah. sa sports when i was in HS and college
92) What do you want to be when you grow up: I’m nung bata pako i want to be a pediatrician
93) End time: 2:31PM (EST)

miss match

Amidst couples hurrying to walk down the aisle, I sat here in front of my monitor pondering why they do. Don’t get me wrong, I have dreams of having my own family, raising kids (preferably with a husband), cooking their meals, preparing their things (yes, odd as it may seem, I see myself staying at home and being a full time domestic helper) etc. maybe everything boils down to me being raised by my single working mom (not that she was unmarried, but they parted ways when I was still in my diapers-good for her). and the thought of the “perfect” mom you see in commercials appeal to me so much. I never experienced going home from school and be offered a glass of milk which I have to drink “all the way down”. I have a happy childhood though. It was my tita edith who would attend to me after school, serve me lunch and mango shake or spend time with me eating semi-ripened papaya dipped in vinegar (which makes me realize now how weird that snack was). I loved it back then. Going back, I love my mom no less. Had she been a plain housewife, I wouldn’t know where we’re gonna get money for my education. She’s been (still is) a responsible and loving mother, not very sweet though. Maybe that’s why im also like this: A walking mirror. If your dress doesn’t suit you, you’ll know just by asking me. That’s why I can’t be a saleslady. I also wouldn’t give out sugar-coated comments like most nice friends do but I send the message across at a flick of the finger, it may hurt most of the time but you’ll see the real situation in a few seconds. Which brings me back to the topic why im not hitched yet. I have a theory that most Filipino men are afraid of women who have a very strong personality. Even if I try to be nice, my appearance would fail me. I look like your modern-day contrabida. A callous looking stare (which I don’t mean when I try to check people out),a height that can rival any average Filipino, which according to my friends, intimidate the prospective suitors. Not to mention my being straight forward. I just don’t like guys giving me insincere compliments (you’d know that. Women’s intuition probably-though I don’t look like a woman hehehe). If I feel that there’s no future, why waste their time and mine? Frank as I am, I never would be able to tell a guy I have the hots for him. Call it pride or whatever you wanna call it, I just won’t. Even if I think about him all the time (literally) and harbor fantasies of growing old with that person. Well, maybe that explains it. No solution for that for now, so in the meantime, I’ll just be content in being unattached for another 5 years or so. Pathetic!

things you dont know about me (or dont wanna know but will once you read on)

* i was born at 2:02 am on sept 12, 1975. don't ask me why. i dont know. wont bother to ask mama, she wont know either. * as a kid, i play with myself most of the time (i dont need opinions from dirty minds), because i was the only child till i reached 14. i've had my share of playmates (itine, tonette, ferry and chanty though) but then i transferred to manila. * i hate cats...if i have an option, they wont exist! * i dont eat isaw, regardless of how jologs i appear. afraid of hepa??? * but i eat kwek kwek, mangoes sold by manong in carts, any other street food, except for isaw (i mentioned that right?) * i cant eat without coke. addict!! * i can sleep practically anywhere, anyhow (except while standing, havent tried it) * first dated (sort of) when i was 17, a guy a barely know but was persistent enough to run after the jeep i was riding in (how sweet but no thanks). my roomate ira forced me to anyway, since the guy was nice.unfortunately, he cant find a date and apparently, he likes snooty girls. * im not friendly, contrary to public opinion. i only get friendly to the people i like, otherwise, id try my best to avoid you * i am conservative (again, an eyebrow raiser to those who dont know me very well). no, make that frigid! * a guy wont know i like him even if he hangs out with me all the time (it would take months or a year for him to have a hint) * very cynical- a reason why i dont get hitched. i always question a guy's reason for liking me. * love to cook. * not domesticated though. i hate cleaning up! * i hate selling/upselling!!! * love hugh jackman... and piolo pascual (regardless of the rumors) * seldom get attracted to guys i dont know (like those u see walking by, or those u meet at parties or thru friends). i need to know the person more before i decide to like him. * had chicken pox when i was already 29!! stayed home during the oakwood brouhahaha while everyone in camp was detained hehehe red alert in big bold letters... * there are two things i would flatly refuse in a dare: go bungeejumping and have sex (the rest are negotiable! hahaha-depends on who's asking though, but the two things are a no-no!) * i am apolitical.. * im a non-practicing catholic. i always pray though, but too lazy to hear mass (just to be tempted to criticize people i see in the church) * i dont believe in love at first sight * i believe that every little good thing that i have, i deserve and im grateful for those * i believe that there's a time for everything. * i am a hopeless romantic * i hate math, you give me a series of numbers , my nose will bleed * i wear size 9 shoes * my waistline is 30!!!

sige na

wag mo na akong daanin
sa matalinghagang usapin
ukol sa bagay bagay
na di mo kayang aminin

ilang bote na ba ang ating tinumba
inaamag, naiinip na
nung minsan tayoy nagkita
di ka makatingin sa aking mata

palusot dito, palusot doon
bakit ba palaging ganoon
di mo ba pwedeng sabihin ng diretso
ang nilalaman ng puso mo?

sige na mahal ko, bolahin mo pako
hanggang magsawa ang puso
para di na muling umasang may bukas
na naghihintay sa ating dalawa....

jologz.....

ive had this account for some time now but i havent been able to give regard to my very close friends.those that have been there with and for me since day 1 of NHO and week 1 on the floor.here goes...
DES-this is my "lamon" buddy.we're batch 16's version of paris and nicole.we would always pig out at either friday's or chili's pretending we have lotsa moolah.we would wander at glorieta like there's no tomorrow and would go home with our long faces if we hadnt bought anything for the day. she would even render OTRDs to buy a new pair of nikes or a pair of capri pants she fancied even if its worth more than P1k(that's for the capri pants).she also fancied a trainer (too bad she couldn't buy him hehehe) and even invited the said trainer to be her roomate (the trainer once mentioned about looking for a flat).she is indeed our resident playgirl hehehe and she has an ongoing affection for.... MR. BORTA (daw accdg to him).at hanggang ngayon may i stalk ang lola sa papa kahit thru text lang bwahahaha
KAL-EL- this is my baby, nope no affair, never had..the baby is for baby brother.he's always been a brother to me, always there to lend his ears when i need vent and would always understand my boylet stories. also a good shopping companion. he would tell me if the pants fits me right (he would even joke that someone might drool at the sight of moi wearing that pants;my ego just loves that hahaha) or if i look good on a certain dress.ironic as it seems since he's very tall, this guy is the nerbyoso type.sha yung mapapatalon pag binulungan mo sha without him knowinig you're there. as in tatalon yan sa takot. nung minsang pinakitaan sha ni dudz ng scary pic na may lumalabas na ghost, tumalon sha 2-3 meters from his seat sa gulat.pero this guy is a hearthrob mind you.yan ang tinitilian ng mga gels sa court (okay imbento yun hehehe, pero sa floor andameng may kras jan) i can vouche for that kasi ako ang dakilang bugaw. i would set him up for a date without him knowing na type pala sha ng girl bwahaha. yun e kung aprub kay ATE ang gelay. otherwise, goodluck sa kanila..
DUDZ-yuck i hated this guy's guts during the first few days. mukhang maepal. but dudz has proven to be a very nice friend.mr congeniality ang chika. and he never gets tired of driving us to G4 (kmi ni des), then drop kal-el off to alabang everyday.one time ininjan ko pa sila ni kal-el papunta sa bday ni vicky girl hahaha (napagod ako kakahanap ng dress to wear for the party so nakatulog ako) gazillion missed calls ang nakita ko sa phone when i woke up. another thing that's good about this guy is he would offer his services (not sexual favors though, but des would love that hahaha-jowk!!!). they assisted me when i moved my things to paranaque.so attack kami sa barracks to get my things using his van na leather pa ang seat.kaloka...tagaktak ang pawis nila ni kal-el sa pagbubuhat hehehe at halos tig 3 cups of rice ata ang nakain ng 2 plus 3 ulam.sarap na sarap na sila dun e P100 lang ata nabayaran ko para sa meals naming 3. tpos bubuhatin nila ulit pababa yung things ko sa paranaque wehehe got you there dude...

you say...

you say yes, i say no. i say fast, you say slow.lagi na lang ganun. away-bati, patay-sinde. daig pa natin ang xmas lights.sayang noh.stubborn ako, tigas ulo mo.kahit ilublob tayo sa drum ng 2 minuto wala ding mangyayari, malulunod lang tayo pero we wont change our lifelong principles.ganyan ka na, ganito na din ako.kahit ano sabihin ko, di ka na magbabago.sayo yan nanggaling e.so sabi mo i might as well forget you. di ka kamo pretentious na friend, but am i asking you to be one? im not, in case you misunderstood.i often tell you to put yourself in other people's shoes so you'd know how it feels to be in their place.
contrary to what you may think, i dont need to win in every argument. im just a friend hoping that somehow you would realize that you need to put value in what you have. may it be family, loved ones, friends or a mere acquaintance.guess you never will.
gaya ng sabi mo, people come and go. true! but do they really need to go? i dont think so... now,i discovered why they did. because you drive people away.you do and say things that lead them to believe you dont need them. you always ask why girls take you seriously.it's because you make them believe that you care, when you dont.for you, they are just passersby whom you would come across in your journey. obstacles that you need to surpass. well, honey, im sorry to inform you that those are people and they have feelings too.if you feel that you don't, then start living. live for yourself, your family or loved ones, even for those that you've lost along the way.people may never come back when they leave, but there are still some who stayed and prayed that someday, you will realize they're there. dont wait for another person to leave for you to realize where you falter.
you say that you make more effort than i do.i appreciate all the things that you've done.in case you havent felt that, im sorry but im thankful for the patience,the effort, the time.siguro di ko mapapantayan ang mga duming nakayod ng paa mo sa kahabaan ng sucat o ang tidbits ng food na naiwan
sa polo mo or even the "pain" that ive caused the last time you visited me at home, but in my own little way,i did sacrifices too.i may not tell them outright kasi di ko ugali yun.i dont tell you those kasi i do them wholeheartedly, without asking for anything in return.you would never hear me complain about those, kasi ayoko ding marinig ang mga bagay na sinasacrifice mo for me. you dont have to remind me, i know.
i would have sacrificed some principles that i grew up believing in, but you've never proven
your worth.i wish that by ending our friendship, you will come to your senses and learn to appreciate
those you still have.

the chefar that never was

it was an ordinary day. one of those boring after-shift afternoons that i often waste watching channel 7 (since that’s the only station i can watch from my "brand-new/top of the line" tv). everything seems to lead to a droning evening when i got a text from "tristan". he is a frequent visitor so i have forgotten the purpose of his visit this time. his reasons vary from having allergies, borrowing a dress for his sister's play (an emergency, he says), borrowing books (i doubt if he reads them), and naturally, returning books. sometimes i think he makes excuses just to see me (yeah talk about modesty hehehe).as usual, we entertained ourselves with funny comments about my "ultra neat and tidy" room which would remind you of your brother's room during your teens. its painted dark blue (i painted it myself, for approximately 3 weeks) which he would clean for an hour just to get the dust off the surface, with sweat trickling down his face and back (I would even joke about my room having a Halloween motif for the whole year). this visit, however, holds promising results (????).
having been friends for a while now (a year and 7 mos), we have had our ups and downs. we would fight over movies, coming to gimmicks late, unsolicited advice and broken vows (echos!!). you know how annoying it would be to expect for something and not get it, right? or a gimmick that would turn into a sleeping spree, like he would wake up an hour after your scheduled gimmick and would plead not guilty for the delay he has caused. despite his shortcomings, i can't deny the fact that he is lovable. he is like a fungus, he grows on you, whether you like it or not. he's just there. when i'm snooty or having a bad hair day (or bad hair week for that matter), he would try to behave like a kindergarten, meaning, he would ask endless questions, that don’t make any sense at all. i bet he's doing that to get on my nerves, so if i get mad, he would have a reason to, ehhem, excuse my french, "make lambing". he is also very patient with me whenever im drunk. one time i left him barefoot on a highway as i hail a jeepney going home (i was using his slippers since i got tired of wearing my stilettos, so we exchanged), and he walked me home without any footwear. i also fancy walking out, without him knowing why, on a date if i get pissed off (girlfriend??). and the worst, ive mistaken his polo and pants for a toilet bowl. we were on our way home from a gimmick, i was incredibly drunk. we were inside the bus when my tummy and mouth decided to conspire and i threw up in an airconditioned bus where everybody was thinking "ay lasing sha". good thing a lady offered him a plastic bag for me to barf in (but nothing was left but a spoonful of what’s left of my dinner, most of which was on the bus floor). i felt a lot better after doing that. you could just imagine how he looked like while i was having "fun". i was embracing his waist (he was standing in the aisle while i was sitting on the last seat , at the center of the bus) while wiping the "left-overs" from my face with his polo. not only that. you know how your nose cooperates when you throw up, in short "may-I-singa" ang lola mo sa polo after itong ipamunas. it dawned on me what i have done, so when we got off the bus, halos isubsob ko yung face ko sa likod niya. there you go, you've just met the date from hell a.k.a. yours truly.
goin back to the subject, he arrived an hour and a half late (what's new?). i was half asleep when i heard him knocking on my window. to make the long story short, we had a few drinks. since i have low tolerance for alcohol, i got tipsy right away. we always have a game (bato bato pik) and whoever loses, either pays up (that's where i got my riches hehehe) or would do a dare. i dunno how it started but we end up kissing with me on top. he was always teasing me that i am frigid and kissing me would feel like kissing a driftwood. it may be because of the alcohol (asus!!), so i kissed him intensely (naks! parang nasusuka na yung nagbabasa ah) from the lips to the neck back to the lips, then down to the chest. while doing that i felt a hand on the garter of my shorts. then he whispered i'll be gentle...what the *&%#$!!! he was actually expecting me to just enjoy the ride? me, whom people call the POLAR QUEEN, engage in a gratuitous sex for the first time? not to mention in my own room, where my dad could catch us in the throes of passion? okay i wont get dramatic on that. but why not? its just that i need a little more of security and emotional stability from him. I was trying hard not to laugh with him fumbling with my shorts and me trying my best to cross my legs to prevent access to the “family heirloom”. after a series of changing places, he conceded. Swearing (without any bearing though) like crazy coz it was indeed a night of “first times”. I learned that it was his first time to be rejected particularly after he uttered the ever effective bait for innocent girls ,“IL BE GENTLE”. I was guilty for what I did but i‘d feel worse had I given in to his charms (or lack of it hehehe) im not a sweet person, that is a given. i couldn't come up with sugar coated comments that would ease someone's agony over a lost love, a failed promotion or whatever. i'm just like that. But that night, because of guilt (and a few drops of alcohol still in my system), I transformed from the tyrant best friend to an obliging (???) partner. Just to make up for the “damage” I’ve done, I hugged him while asking for apology, occasionally kissing him. I know he would have smiled from ear to ear with what I was doing, considering the times that I hugged him for the last 570 days that we’ve known each other (uhhmm, im not good with numbers but it seldom happens, veeery seldom). The bottom line is I felt human again :)